Glasgow humour/jokes

[DannyGill]

Hi Gang,
I was just thinking how many jokes have we heard in our lifetime good or rotten that have made us giggle or at least smile , I'll start with one and see if anyone can put theirs down to follow.
Wee guy walks into a greengrocers and asks for a tin of pigeons
The assistant says sorry "no can do"

Regards.
Danny.

[Jimbo]

A lady was sitting in the waiting room with a new baby in Glasgow when the doctor came in.
"The baby looks a little under weight", says the doctor, "bottle or breast fed???"
"Breast" was the reply.
"Strip to the waist please." He began to feel ,knead, examine her breasts
"Ah" he said, "you have no milk".
"Aye ah ken, ah'm the granny" said the semi naked one!

[Jimbo]

Ah stole this wan, but ah couldnae resist it!!

At Parents' Night the teacher told Mrs Smith that she was quite concerned about something her little 9 year old daughter had written in her class diary. The mother proceeded to read the entry and couldn't believe her eyes when she read:

"Last night my daddy was looking after us and he put us to bed and read us a story and then he pissed on the cat."

The mother assured the teacher that she would get to the bottom of it. She went home and asked her daughter why she had written what she did.

The child was wide-eyed and indignant and answered :

"But mummy, it's true. Daddy read us a story and when he was going downstairs he saw that the cat was under the bed and he went pssst,pssst, pssst to get him out."

[DannyGill]

Man walks into a clothing shop and the assistant says can I help you sir.
The man says yes I want a pair of fur gloves
The assistant says what fur
Man says to keep my hauns warm.

[Jimbo]

A wee wifie goes tae the dentist and settles her ample girth in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Gorbals" she replies.

[rosedoyle]

A man says to his doctor "I'm worried about my bowels...every time I do a poo, it comes out like chips." The doctor replies "Try lifting your string vest a bit higher."

[amelia]

An 82 year old man went into the doctors to get a physical
A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
"You're really doing great aren't you" said the doctor. The old man replied "just doing what you said doc
" Get a hot mamma and be cheerful"
Doctor said "I didn't say that I said "you've got a heart murmur be careful"

An old man shuffled into an ice cream shop pulled himself slowly and painfully onto a stool
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split the girl behind the counter asked kindly "crushed nuts"?
"No" he replied "Arthiritis"
Amelia x

[DannyGill]

This guy Bobby who has a terrible stutter/stammer and finds it hard to get a job is offered a job as a dumper truck driver on a new building site beside a bookmakers betting office.
So he starts on the Monday and all is going well, the foreman says to him are you enjoying the job and Bobby says it's gr gr great th th thanks. Comes the Friday and Bobby goes into the Bookies and says to the Boss I bac bac bac back, the Bookie says you backed a 10 to 1, nono I bac bac bac, he says you backed a 20 to 1, no I bac bac back, bookie in frustration says you backed a 100 to 1. Bobby says no no I bac back back, Look the Bookie says I cant waste time talking to you here is a £100 and come back and see me on Monday.
So Bobby is walking away with his £100 when he meets the foreman and says to him that Bookie is a gr gr great g g guy I tried to tell him I''d bac bac backed the dumper into his R R Rolls Royce and he gave me a £100 and told me to go bac bac back and see him on Monday.

[Gerryc]

A woman went into the Chemist, she said , have you got a packet of condoms, the Chemist said , Small , Medium or Large, ---the woman says " Just make them assorted, I,m going a bus run,

[DannyGill]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney
Well Bing sings but Walt Dizzny